dream diary - boundry between

Just because i have flu, i get to sleep a lot during the day and also at night.

hence the natural occurrence of my -very clear- dreams. I get them whenever i sleep without tiring myself during eyes-open.


yesterday,
I met the cat, who lives in my shadow. don't ask me why i know it lives in my shadow, though.

we met around and inside my house in Kanagawa, Japan.
you would think he's a black cat, since he must blend into my shadow, but no. he's actually white, with black spots. But a very beautiful cat nonetheless.
I patted him lightly as he sat down near me, and he just looked at me.

I heard a sound from the house corridor.
recalling, that there were some food, -i forgot what food though- placed just inside the house, i stood up and walked towards the door.
i looked back into the room i was in, the cat wasn't there.
anyway, i thought. I have to check.

I realised there were breeze coming in from the corridor, so i know, the door is open
(sometimes, in summer, we open the door to let the air in. sometimes stray cats would come in and sit at our "genkan" because its cool)
i reached the door, (I'm making it seem my house is large, but its only 5 steps) and I let out a growl.
i felt it was necessary.

to my surprise, what i see just outside my house, was a man on a bicycle, hurrying off as if he is running away from me.


the cat talked to me.
"so," s/he said. "you managed to chase him away"
"I growled." I said. half-thinking whether it was the right thing to do
"yes, i know. I guess you can be useful sometimes."
"Maybe i should keep you, after all" the cat added.

"I will try and live up to your expectations", i replied.


i woke up.

so.
I guess I'm being kept, by the cat in my shadow.
and I'm going to try and live up to his/her expectation.

okay.


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as my college days starts to end,
i think;

i don't know
whether i should be happy that i have no very close friends to say goodbye with teary eyes,
or lament over the fact that i never were able to make close friends, again.

i admire
the people around me so much, they are all awesome in their own accord.
so much that i have a nagging feeling i am trampling on their important time,
and perhaps more on their inter-relationships.

its like,
being in a skillful and magnificient orchestra,
but me wearing my torn jeans and two chopsticks as instruments.
naturally, what you would do is to stay still, hoping that you'd dissappear.
the wonderful music that i hear around me is quite enough to keep me happy in school,
but sometimes i am revulsive of my own music that sometimes i attempt to play.

I am sad
that i must leave.
But being the very optimistic me, i tell myself, ohwell, now i can stop pretending that i fit in.


haha. ha.

because i see that my life, is one whole surreal comedy. i cannot help, but laugh at myself.
so wouldn't you laugh with me?


this was mostly an honest post,
but
I was lying about feeling sad, though.
its apathy.
I hate apathy.

haha.